Lollapalooza, Chicago’s summer music festival, took place this past weekend. Among the celebrities and thousands of enthusiastic festival goers was Malia Obama, the daughter of our nation’s leader. It’s understandable that she wanted to be just like everybody else and relish in the glory of Outkast, Eminem, Kings of Leon, Arctic Monkeys, and Calvin Harris. So Obama ordered the Secret Service to escort Malia to the festival.
Malia managed to be incognito for the entire weekend. Nobody knows if she was smoking the good stuff her daddy used to inhale back in the day. Perhaps he showed her how to roll a joint before going to the festival. Not that he gave her drugs, but entering a festival with the Secret Service is probably the best way to sneak drugs inside.
What Obama didn’t account for was the surprise appearance of R. Kelly. Not only did the Secret Service have to protect Malia from the thousands of sweaty, intoxicated fans, but they also had to be ready to shield her from R. Kelly’s healthy urine stream during Chance the Rapper’s Sunday night closing set. Luckily, monsieur Kelly was too busy serenading the crowd, and Malia escaped the weekend without getting pissed on. The only evidence that Malia was there was the selfie she took with a fellow attendee. Rookie mistake, Malia. You expect the world to think you didn’t take drugs with a smile like that? The Secret Service escorted Malia Obama to Lollapalooza. Know more.