“BILLY MAYS here, back from the dead-and I have some great news for you! Ever wanted to drop those ten pounds you gained when you ate nothing but Ben & Jerry’s for two weeks AND need a spa day with a good massage BUT your kid has a field trip AT THE ZOO? Well I HAVE news for you BECAUSE for the payment of zoo admission in BALI yes BEAUTIFUL BALI these PYTHONS can get you skinny WITHOUT having to spend HUNDREDS on a gym membership!”

RIP Billy, pour some out.

For real, though, this is a thing. The mortal enemies of Indiana Jones have broken into the massage biz, with the weight loss angle. A spa in Bali actually has slithering massage therapists.

That’s some Stefon level shit.

“Wait!” you scream, as a hissing reptile begins to wrap itself around your torso, “How am I going to get thin from this? AND WHY AM I SO PUMPED UP? I FEEL SO ALIVE!”

Well, that means it’s working. No, seriously! You’re going to be thinner than Tim the Tweaker who hangs out at the Circle K.

Adrenaline is the name of the game at the snake spa. The stress that comes from being in the middle of a snake orgy releases it, which stimulates the chemicals that kickstart your metabolism. That burns calories. So, win-win!

Or is it?

There are some that say that these massages are concocted by snake oil salesmen. It could be a gimmick to get people to come to their spa. Anyone can claim X treatment will make you slim. Science is hard, because big words. Something something the education system.

The snake method hasn’t even been tested by scientists. They’re too busy trying to build Iron Man suits to get chicks.

People will still buy into it though, because people have a track record of senseless decisions. In this age of the quick fix, a snake is quicker than, you know, twenty minutes of exercise and a healthy diet.

Whatever floats your boat. On the way out, remember to grab that lovely bag. It’s made out of the former head masseuse. Know more.