The Cadillac of all Cadillacs, the presidential limo affectionately known as “The Beast”, is getting yet another upgrade soon. Considering the recent security lapses in the president’s Secret Service detail, “The Beast” might just be the leader of the free world’s last defense.

Outfitted with a gas tank that won’t ever explode, it has everything the president will need to survive the most brutal of doomsday scenarios: night vision cameras, pump action shotguns, the president’s blood for emergency transfusions, impenetrable armored doors, kevlar tires, and glorious, gratuitous Wi-Fi.

An executive office package rounds out the gadgetry with a foldaway desk, a laptop computer and a satellite phone with a direct line to the Pentagon, so he can attend to pressing matters… and make reservations for his next golfing trip.

There’s more than one Beast in the Obama arsenal. In fact, there are twelve, each with it’s own assigned mechanic and federal agent. GM claimed the contract to produce these monster cars for the past thirty years (and not one has been recalled yet, Toyota), but the next generation of presidential limos will be designed and built by the highest bidder. Know more.