Thank goodness for Samsung. The U.S. is so concerned with feeding our poor and paying our teachers that they’re definitely lacking in the weapons department. I bet all the U.S. companies got together and said, “we need more weapons! Who can do it?” Suddenly, a Samsung representative stands up, proudly declaring, “we can!” and a new company was born.

Samsung Techwin is a subsidiary of The Samsung Group. Some of its bountiful specialties include surveillance, aeronautics, and weapons technology. They also make jet engines and tanks. Even more disturbing is that the company has been around since 1977. That’s more than enough time to get damn good at creating devices of death. Joy.

Upon reading this, I went home and checked my phone for triggers, chambers, ya know – various things that might indicate it was a secret weapon. Why not?! Is that so far off? Maybe our phones are actually tiny, death machines. Come the war of the century, all the cell phone carriers will pipe up and say, “don’t panic! Everyone has what they need right now!” Then, we’ll all rejoice as we discover we can use our cell phones to shoot zombies. Know more.